


looking into his eyes, i think he’s already hurt

by panaesheim



Series: SKAM Weeks—April 13-19, 2020 [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alcohol, Bipolar Disorder, Breaking Up/Making Up AU, Depression, Even is sad, Foreplay, Isak is sort of sad too, M/M, SKAM Weeks, Sexual References, chrisak - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23714845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panaesheim/pseuds/panaesheim
Summary: “So,” Isak began, “have you... have you thought about it?”Even sighed and threw the tissue in the general direction of the trash can. “No.”Isak hummed, not really expecting anything different. Why would tonight be any different?“What’s on your mind?” Even asked, looking over at the younger boy who seemed deep in thought.“You. Always.”
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: SKAM Weeks—April 13-19, 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703905
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	looking into his eyes, i think he’s already hurt

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to skam week day 5 which is the breaking up/making up au. it is once again five in the morning and i’ve been thinking about markus simensen all night, but got too caught up with this fic to rewatch the movie, so now I’m sad :( I wanted this prompt to go so many different ways but here’s the shittiest version of it, also ignore any spelling or capitalization errors because I’m tired and yeah (also there’s a bit of chrisak because that’s low key by crack ship so just thought I’d let you know) :) enjoy

Isak was never one to go out somewhere when he was alone. Bars, movies, restaurants; not somewhere you would find him by himself. 

But Even broke up with him so he said fuck it, and went to the closest bar to his house. 

He downed yet another drink, the room starting to spin and his vision beginning to blur. He was sure that he was on the brink of drowning himself in alcohol, finally getting that sweet release of death. 

Isak wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, signaling to the bartender to get him another drink. As he waited, he glanced around the room, examining the people around him. He saw groups of people, laughing at chatting, and at the bar that he sat at, were the more depressed people, the ones like Isak who came to drink his problems away. Older men sat to the side and tears ran down their face, wiping them away hastily and gulping down drink after drink. 

Isak told himself before that he was never going to become a sad drunk, that he was never going to turn to alcohol as the solution to his issues, but things change and people change and morals change. Isak knew that better than anyone. 

When he got his drink, he thought back to just a few days before. How he was happy just a few days before, not at the lowest point of his life. Who goes to a bar at 18:00? 

Even had sat him down and was already scaring Isak. He knew this day was going to come. He was honestly surprised it hadn’t come sooner, because it was long overdue. Even has been keeping up with Isak’s bullshit for long enough. 

He eased into it as best as he could, tried to let Isak down gently, but as soon as he said the words “I need a break,” Isak was a sobbing mess. He tried to compose himself leading up to that moment, but it was no use. He let his vulnerability shine through, and it was gushing out of him. 

He scanned the room once again but for a different reason. He needed a hookup and he needed it now; he couldn’t live much longer without some sort of physical contact. Yes, Isak was this pathetic without Even, what else is new?

Isak’s gaze settled on a dark-haired guy that was currently listening to some girl talk, and it was very obvious he was bored. He nodded without much expression from time to time and looked around at other people, eventually finding Isak staring at him. 

Usually, when this happens, Isak looks down, blushing and hoping the person didn’t see him, but this time he didn’t care. He smirked behind his glass and the guy did too. He held up a finger to the chatting girl and made his way over to Isak. 

“Hello, pretty boy,” Isak ignored his stomach sinking at the familiar pet name, “saw you were staring at me.”

“You were staring at me, too, though,” Isak smiled. 

“I don’t usually ignore people as gorgeous as yourself,” the guy sat next to Isak.

“Nice line, how many other people have you used that on?” The guy laughed at what Isak said. 

“Just you, pretty boy,” he clicked his tongue and winked, “I’m Chris.”

“Isak,” they shook hands, almost a bit too formal for what they both knew they were here for. 

Chris put his hand on Isak’s thigh, and asked, “Can I touch you here?”

Isak nodded, his lips separating as his hand trailed farther, and Chris kissed him, just a tiny experimental peck on the lips. 

Isak smiled and kissed him again, their lips moving in sync as Chris’ hand traveled up and down Isak’s thigh. 

When Isak closed his eyes, he pretended that the lips he was kissing were Even’s and the hand trailing up his thigh was Even’s. 

— — —

“Fuck, Isak, if you didn’t want to do anything you could’ve just told me. I’m not an asshole, I would’ve understood.”

“I wanted to in the moment, but now I don’t,” Isak said in a monotone voice, staring at nothing in particular. 

“You didn’t have to lead me on like that, though,” Chris pulled the blankets over his body, glaring at Isak’s bare back. He sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Chris. 

Isak didn’t say anything. Chris  was  an asshole, he should’ve known. The way he immediately jumped into things should’ve gave it away to Isak, but it didn’t, and now he was here, in a stranger’s hotel room, half-naked. 

“You can leave, now, if that’s what you are waiting around for,” Chris said, a bitter edge to his voice. 

Isak grabbed his shirt from off of the floor and pulled it on, then grabbing his shoes. 

“You were such a cock-tease!” Chris yelled after Isak as he left the hotel room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. 

He closed his eyes and sighed. What the fuck happened to him? He was fine at the bar, he was fine going to the hotel, he was fine when Chris kissed him, but as soon as he felt Chris’ hand on his belt buckle, he froze. He looked down, and what he saw weren’t dark brown eyes, they were bright blue ones, and his own emerald eyes widened. He pushed Chris off and moved away, backing up and hitting the headboard. Chris tried to ask what was wrong and what he had done, but Isak moved to the edge of the bed and sat in silence. 

Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was that oh-so familiar image of Even looking up at him, his eyes asking “is this okay?” and waiting for Isak’s approval. All he saw was Even on top of him, his jaw dropping as he pushed into Isak, a small groan emitting from his lips. He couldn’t stop thinking about Even. 

Isak pulled out his phone, still leaning against the door. He had several missed calls and messages from Jonas. 

_ jonas: dude where are you??? _

_ jonas: eva said she saw you walking out of a bar with some guy that she said wasn’t even _

_ jonas: is that true? _

_ (1) Missed Call from jonas _

_ jonas: isak pick up  _

_ jonas: fuck it i’m calling even _

_ jonas: he said you guys broke up _

_ (2) Missed Calls from jonas _

_ jonas: please answer _

Isak shut off his phone and stuffed it back into his pocket. He didn’t have to explain himself to Jonas; he was a grown adult. He could handle himself. 

— — —

Okay, maybe he couldn’t handle himself. 

He realized this when he knocked on the door, the one he shut angrily just a few days before. 

Even opened the door, confusion written on his face. “Isak?”

Isak didn’t give Even much time to say anything else before he grabbed his shoulders and pulled him close, their lips crashing together. It was familiar and it felt nice, but Even pushed him away before he could savor the moment. 

“Why are you here?” Even wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“To see you,” Isak leaned towards him again, “to kiss you.”

He fell into the house when Even stepped away, and caught him before he fell face-first onto the hardwood floor. Isak took this as an opportunity to kiss him, but Even reeled back once again, an expression of disgust on his face. 

“God, Isak, you reek of beer,” Even frowned, “Why were you at the bar?”

“I wanted to hookup with someone,” Isak said honestly, due to his drunken state, “but I realized that was dumb because no one compares to you, Even. No one knows how to touch me like you touch me.”

This time, Even didn’t pull away when their lips met. The feeling was amazing and Isak had missed it, even though it had only been a couple of days. 

“Isak,” Even said after a few minutes of kissing, his voice revealing his out-of-breath state, “we can’t do this. We‘re on a break and you’re drunk.”

“Even, please,” Isak grabbed his hand and put it on his hip, “please.”

“You’ll regret it in the morning, we both know that.”

“It’s better I hook up with you than with someone random. Do you want me to wake up in your bed or a stranger’s bed tomorrow morning? Because either fucking way, Even, if you push me away or let me stay, I’m sleeping with someone tonight.” Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s neck, “so please, baby, just touch me.” 

Even frowned again, and Isak could tell he was thinking about it. Isak kissed all around his face as Even stayed silent, kissing his cheeks and forehead and finally his lips. They didn’t move together, just touched barely. 

He pulled away, looking up at Even’s blank face. He didn’t say anything when he walked away, over to the door to close it. 

Then Even was crashing into Isak, kissing harsher and with more passion laced into every peck against their lips. 

He pushed Isak all the way until the younger one was pressed against the door, and they stopped. Isak pulled off his shirt and threw it behind Even, jumping up and wrapping his legs around Even’s waist. He put his large hands on the back of Isak’s thigh and pushed open the door, throwing him back onto the bed. 

He pulled his shirt up and over his head, climbing on top of Isak. They made out, Even slowly grinding his hips into Isak’s. He whimpered softly into this kiss which urged Even to roll his hips harder. 

“Even,” Isak whispered between kisses, “please don’t stop.”

Even responded by kissing his neck and his bare chest, rolling Isak’s nipple between his thumb and index finger. Isak moaned quietly at the sensation, Even starting to lick the hard bud. 

He stopped right above the waistband of Isak’s jeans, staring up at Isak waiting for a signal to continue. Isak’s heart fluttered at the sight; his lips were swollen and red, his face was flushed, his eyes were dilated and his hair was pointing in different directions from Isak’s tugs at it. 

“Even,” he whispered when Even unzipped his pants. 

“What is it, Isak?” He pushed down Isak’s pants and underwear far enough to just barely reveal his hard-on. 

“I love you.”

Even looked back up at him, his movements ceasing. 

“Okay.”

— — — 

It was dark when Isak opened his eyes, a massive headache waking him up. He couldn’t see anything and didn’t have a lamp next to him like he usually did. 

He felt around for his phone but couldn’t find it. He noticed a dim light coming from his jeans, but when he tried to reach for them, he felt an arm move against his waist. 

Isak turned to see Even’s slack face against the pillow, snoring quietly but noticeably. 

_Fuck_. 

He finally reached his pants just barely with his fingertips and retrieved his phone, checking the time. 23:46. 

He had a lot of unread messages from Jonas and a few missed calls. 

_ jonas: isak where are you _

_ jonas: eva called even and no answer _

_ jonas: hello?? _

_ (3) Missed Calls from jonas _

_ jonas: even said you’re at his place _

_ jonas: but he said you broke up too _

_ jonas: so how does that make sense _

_ jonas: please call me when you see these _

Isak closed his phone and let it fall against his chest. He knew he should’ve alerted Jonas a couple hours ago when he first left Chris, but he didn’t feel the need to. Now his phone was blown up with his unnecessary worried text messages. 

Even was still deep in his sleep when Isak got dressed. He stared at Even’s calm state as he put on his clothes, a soft smile on his face. He leaned over and kissed his forehead before exiting the bedroom, slowly and quietly shutting the door behind him. 

He called Jonas once he left the house. He picked up after the first ring. 

“Where the fuck are you right now?” Jonas said angrily. Isak heard a loud door shut in the background. 

“Hello to you too,” Isak said, realizing he had to walk all the way home with an aching headache. 

“Isak, this isn’t the time for jokes,” He heard a car engine start, “where the hell are you?”

“I’m a big boy, I can handle myself.” When he didn’t hear a response, he sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’m at Even’s.”

“But he said you guys broke up? What are you doing there?” 

“Number one, we broke up literally a week ago, and number two, once again, I am 26 years old. I can handle myself,” Isak said matter-of-factly. 

“Yeah? You broke up a week ago, huh?” Jonas said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “So how come you hooked up with him today?”

“How did you know about that?” Isak said, confused. “Did he tell you?”

“Yeah, he did. And you shouldn’t mess with someone’s feelings like that. From what I heard, he was really happy to see you. You’re leading him on and you need to stop.”

“I’m leading him on?  _ I’m  _ leading  _ him  _ on? Do you not know, Jonas?” He took his best friend’s silence as a no. “He broke up with me. So how am  _ I  _ leading  _ him  _ on?”

“Okay, well I didn’t know that,” Jonas admitted. “But he sounded very excited when he told me you guys hooked up. Just let him breathe for a minute, okay? He might need time to think things over. What did he say exactly?”

“That he needed a break.” Isak’s stomach dropped at the reminder of that day. 

“Exactly. A break. You need to respect that instead of barging back into his life.” 

Isak knew he was right. But he couldn’t stop himself then and he couldn’t change what happened, so the damage was done. What else could he possibly do?

“Do you love him?” Jonas said, interrupting Isak’s thoughts. 

“Yes, of course.” 

“Then let him breathe. Give him time to think. You would want the same, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes. But I wouldn’t need to because why would I ever need a break from him? He’s perfect.”

“Not everyone’s perfect, Isak.” Jonas signed. “Now where are you? Are you still at Even’s?” 

“Walking away now. Why?” 

“I’m coming to pick you up.”

— — —

They met up a few times after that. One of them would get drunk or high, and they called the other, sad and just wanting physical contact. They made love and fell asleep, and depending on whose bed they slept in, one of them left the other who was still asleep. 

Isak was the one who wanted to meet up with the other the most. He got drunk and called Even, and he always got what he wanted. 

There was a fault to this, though. Not only was waking up alone one of the worst feelings Isak has ever had, but it was the foolish hope he still had that Even was getting closer to making a decision on the fate of their relationship. Isak hoped that with every meeting they were getting closer to finally getting back together, because Isak was so tired of being alone. Everything was better with Even. He slept better, he laughed harder, he smiled wider. His entire state of mind revolves so pathetically around Even. So when he pulled Even close late at night, when one or both of them were completely wasted, he pretended that this was just another night. He pretended that they were two boyfriends having sex like any other boyfriends, even if they were technically exes that had separated over four weeks ago. 

But his hope deflated when he asked Even about his decision. When Even said “no, I haven’t thought about it” every time they laid down and tried to fall asleep, a bit of Isak’s heart floated away. Because he let himself get attached too quickly and he hated himself for it. 

Even was cleaning Isak up when they both knew what question was going to come up. 

“So,” Isak began, “have you... have you thought about it?”

Even sighed and threw the tissue in the general direction of the trash can. “No.”

Isak hummed, not really expecting anything different. Why would tonight be any different?

“What’s on your mind?” Even asked, looking over at the younger boy who seemed deep in thought.

“You. Always.” 

“Isak-“

“I think we should stop doing this.” Isak blurted, interrupting whatever Even was going to say. “You’re just confusing me. You say you don’t want me a couple weeks ago, but now you text me at random nights when you’re drunk to hookup? You have to know what you are doing, right?”

“If that’s what you want, then fine,” Even gave up a lot quicker than Isak expected. 

“That’s it? You’re not going to put up a fight? Explain yourself? You give up just like that?” Isak stared at Even, waiting for an answer. 

Even stayed silent for a few minutes. “Do you want to know why I said I needed time?”

“I think it’s long overdue.”

They were both staring at the ceiling when Even began. “I thought you were getting tired of me. You started working later and you were never in the mood to talk anymore, so I thought you were getting bored or something. I thought our love was the kind you see in movies, the kind of lasts during your teenage years but not in the long run. I thought you were getting tired of dealing with my bullshit all the time, and that you were just sticking around because you would feel bad about leaving me, which you should’ve done a long time ago. Because who wants to end up with the stupid, pathetic, unlovable, crazy guy who can barely handle himself, nonetheless another actual human being? Which you talk about a lot, to be honest.”

“Even Bech Næsheim, never fucking refer to yourself as crazy ever again. You’re not crazy. You’re smart and you’re creative and you’re brave and you’re kind and you’re so,  _ so _ lovable, Even, you have to understand that. You have to understand that everyone around you loves you. You’re all of those things but you are not fucking crazy.”

“But I am, Isak. This will always be in the back of my mind at all times. You don’t deserve me, Isak. You deserve someone so much better than me,” Even held Isak’s hands in his own. 

“But you’re so perfect, Even, how can anyone else compare?” Isak pressed his forehead against Even’s. “I love you so much. And you have to believe that or we’re not going to go anywhere with this. We’ll end up in the same place over and over, and I know you don’t want that as much as I don’t want that. You have to let me know about these feelings because without me knowing about them I could be pushing you away without even knowing it. Express your thoughts and emotions, Even, please. It will help me with better understanding you. You have to know that you’re not alone and I am here at all times. Please let me be there for you.”

“Do you promise?” Even’s voice was so quiet and broken that Isak’s heart shattered. His boy was so sad and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t care to ask for what may have been years because of assumptions he had, because the front Even put up seemed fine, so what was the point of digging further? What was the point of checking up on someone even though they showed no signs of sadness or any other type of emotion other than happy? Isak was so selfish and ignorant that he almost lost the thing he needed to survive, the thing that meant more to him than anything else in the entire world. 

“I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this to end a lot more tragically (is that the right expression? idk) where they don’t end up together but I didn’t feel like trying to come up with anything too sad because I don’t want to make myself cry which is something I often do when i think about skam. also I checked and this is a good ~two thousand words less than my last fic so idk if that’s better or worse, better that you don’t have to read it for too long or worse that you have to deal with short and crappy writing. leave kudos if you enjoyed, constructive criticism is always accepted but please don’t leave anything telling me how bad it is because trust me I already know. goodbye, ily, I’m tired, goodnight


End file.
